Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Randomize
