I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
