Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
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