Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
