If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
