omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
