he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
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