Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
