every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
