Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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