...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
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