Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
