I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
