I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
We named our party play list daddy issues
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
