8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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