I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
