It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
