Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
