I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
