I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
