i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
