By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
