How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
