I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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