So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
