my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
