I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
And then my night got REAL pukey
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
