i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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