Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
