I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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