I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
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