So drunk, too bad you don't want this
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Randomize
