Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
You work out of a Hotel?
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
