I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
My vagina just recognized that song.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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