I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
