I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
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