put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
