just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
