were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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