Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
