I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Randomize
