No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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