I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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