The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
