Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Randomize
