I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I want a musical about memes.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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