At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
