im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
he high fived his dick after we had sex
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
