I have demons in me.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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