I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I had to cum in my sink.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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